


Theory of The Big Bang

by ArtAddictedArchitect



Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Universe, The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Aliens, Aliens Made Them Do It, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Bad Guys Made Them Do It, Character, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Goa'uld (Stargate), M/M, Multi, Outer Space, Self-Insert, Space Battles, Space Flight, Star Trek References, Stargate, Technobabble, Time Loop, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Timeline Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-14 00:18:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtAddictedArchitect/pseuds/ArtAddictedArchitect
Summary: A Self Insert in Howard Wolowitz life unlocks his true potential. On the surface, everything feels fine. But being thrown into a Crossover AU is trecherous. Stargate comand hides in the shadows. Aliens, technology, & a rouge NID in collaberation with the Russians is out for power. Partialy Ascended Ancient SI!Howard is caught in the crosshairs. What is the Destiny Of the Big Bang?





	1. Chapter 1

I woke up the next morning later than anticipated . 

 

Oof. Oww. My neck is… not as sore actually.  _ Strange. _ How long was I out for? Turning on the tv I saw the readout said 11 in the morning. Something like 14 hours then.  _ Well, at least this gives me some time to prepare before discharge. _

 

The nurses had brought in a bag of effects from whatever they’ve found at the accident sometime while I’ve been asleep. It was lying on one of the chairs on the far side of the room.

 

_ Well I can see cords from here. Maybe there’s a cellphone. _

 

With a groan I hoisted myself up and sat to adjust for dizziness. Which didn’t come. Weird. It’s almost like I possessed some sort of low grade healing factor.  _ Could have had Wolverine healing but at best this is somewhere between Captain America and Spider-Man without the super strength. Guess that’s what the weird psychedelic trip did. _

 

Ah well. At least I’m alive. And healed slow enough not to freak out the hospital staff. Imagine if they saw someone super healing. I’d be abducted and sent to some scientific lab so fast.  _ The recovery should be shorter at least. _

 

Rooting around I found a pair of cut off skinny jeans, a dickie shirt, some keys, a duct tape wallet and a cell phone with charger.

 

_ A Motorola Droid. _

 

I haven’t seen one of these In a decade at least.

 

It looked like it’s had better days. Scratches covered the once smooth metal surface and the outer screen was cracked.  _ Well, here goes nothing.  _ Plugging the charger into the wall I put the cord in the phone and waited.

 

~Droiiiid~

 

_ Huh, what do you know.  _

 

It works. Of course, now I’d need to relearn how to text using T9, but that wouldn’t have to be for too long.  _ Doesn’t the blackberry come out sometime in the next year or two? _ Definitely on the list of things to have. I’ve spent years with a iPhone before, and now I’m in the past with the days of dial up internet and terrible cell phone service.

 

Shit.

 

Still….

 

This is as close as you’d ever get to time traveling. 

 

Realistically if you could ever time travel any microbes would come with you and start plagues. Back in time and you bring a plague. Forward and you’d die from hyper evolved bacteria and viruses. 

 

_ Huh, I wonder if bringing up this line of inquiry would ruin Doctor Who for Sheldon? _

 

I pulled the phone closer and sat back on the bed. Opening up the messages I saw…. that no one had texted.  _ Of course.  _ Howard was a pretty offputting and solidary guy. My free arm rubbed a hand through my stubble and hair.

 

_ This is going to be harder than I thought. _

 

Looking through the contacts I started texting Leonard.  Hey, how r u?

 

Holding the phone I waited for a reply… and kept waiting.  _ Hmm.. guess he’s busy. _ Turning the volume on loud and setting the phone on the adjustable stand by the bed it vibrated and dinged in my hand.

 

Bzzzztt

 

Good. Sheldon’s been driving me crazy but I’m sure that will pass soon.He’s hold up in his office completely in work recently. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. We will be by  later toda(½)

 

Y to pick you up after work. Sometime around 5ish? (2/2)

  
  


Thnx. Dat works

 

Raj told me you fractured some fingers. Does typing hurt? Think you’ll be able to come back to work fine? I talked to the head of the physics department and they’ve cut you a bi(½)

 

T of a break while you’re hospitalized. They almost brought Anderson back.(2/2)

 

Yup. Call later @ lunch. Taking nap

  
  


Wow. I haven’t T9’d since middle school. It was exhausting. This was going to take some getting used to. Old school phones, slow internet, a lack of good video games…

 

And Anderson? Another engineer, from the pharmaceutical department my memory’s supplied. I don’t remember any other engineers on the show. Maybe what I saw on TV was just a reflection of another reality. This one was real, complex, with very deep webs of interest and interpersonal relationships saturating it. The people around me weren’t one dimensional characters, but rich multifaceted individuals. I’d have to remember to not operate on previous assumptions.

 

_ If only I could remember which company’s did good in the stock market. _ Tough luck. I was pants at paying attention to the geopolitical climate back in my home reality. In the late two thousand teens stuff had deteriorated so badly I’m surprised nuclear war didn’t break out.

 

_ Or maybe it did and that’s why I’m here…. _

 

Nonetheless I texted Leonard  can u bring cloths 2? Mine burnt before drifted off to nap, phone by the bed.

 

———————————————————-

When I woke up saw that it was 2:37 pm. The phone was beeping next to my ear.  _ Guess I slept pass their call.  _ Might as well see if there’s any voicemails.

 

**De-deep**

 

“Hey Howard, guessing you fell asleep. We told Sheldon that you’re awake and it’s the happiest I’ve seen him in a- yes Raj, I’m going to tell him we’re stopping by the apartment to get clothes.

 

Okay. Okay—- here why don’t you just talk to him.”

 

Rustling sounds for a moment as the phone was being passed.

 

“Hey Howard.  I feel bad for forgetting to grab your keys to get some clothes for you but I feel creepy going there by myself. Yes Sheldon?

 

Oh good lord, give me that.

 

Howard it’s me. We’re going to stop by the apartment and grab you a Togo bag. Raj keeps insisting to want to get you some of his clothes but as he’s taller than you it would be frankly embarrassing. And since the hospital is too far away from your house it’s simply more efficient to grab Leonard’s clothes and be over before rush hour. Be prepared for us and we can be in the road before traffic gets bad.”

 

**Bee-beep**

 

**End of messages.**

 

_ Aaaaaallllllriggghhtyy then. _ Typical Sheldon.

 

_ I’m going to convince him to get psychological testing someday. His signs scream autistic. Maybe if he gets a diagnosis it can help somehow. _

 

Well. Time to nap again before everyone comes.

——————————————————————-

After a quick nap I woke up a hour later. 

 

_ Mmm… 4:45 _

 

_ Plenty of time to ready myself mentally. _

 

How should I act around Sheldon and Leonard?

 

With Raj I could fall back onto casual banter. Sheldon would be harder to trick.  _ At least Debbie is dead, imagine living with Howard’s mom. I’d make me want to kill myself after a while. _

 

In the meantime I occupied my time by packing personal effects. Hospital socks, wallet, phone, keys. Yup. Basically all that’s left to do is wait.

 

Before I knew it knocking startled me. I’d zoned out and not realized it.

 

**Knock knock knock** Howard.

 

**Knock knock knock** Howard.

 

**Knock knock knock** Howard.

 

“Come In Sheldon!”

 

Sheldon almost bolted into the room, a haggard Leonard trudged into the room behind him. “Heeeey Howard. How are you doing?”

 

“Can we not talk about that right now Leonard? I’m going to cope with it later, but If I think about it now I’ll have a breakdown.”

 

“Capital idea Howard.” Sheldon exclaimed pacing around the room. “The Vulcans focused on logic especially in the face of hazardous conditions. I for one think what you’re doing is the perfect decision.”

 

“Mmkay” Leonard mumbled. “I’ll be right back. Going to get this ticket validated. Parking is expensive.”

 

I exhaled slowly.”Thanks. I don’t think I can walk that far yet without help.”

 

“Very well” Sheldon nodded. “How can we be of assistance?”

 

“Help me carry some stuff and get to the car.”

 

Sheldon’s eyebrows rose. “That’s ridiculous, I’m a physicist, not a lackey. Leonard is coming with a wheelchair. We can just hang it on the handles.”

 

“Look at you.” I chuckled. “Breaking safety procedures.”

 

“I’m uncomfortable with it, but the other option would be putting a bag of things on your lap. And frankly that is ridiculous.” Sheldon stubbornly announced. “You’re going to be wearing the seatbelt and we’re going to head slowly through the hallways. If we leave this ward soon you can pretend to be a model train and we’ll be at the car in a jiffy.”

 

I scrunched my face and gave Sheldon a ‘bitch really’ look.

 

“A model train?”

 

“Of course. Model trains are the best. They are both informative and miniature for travel sized convenience.”

 

Leonard rolled into the room with a wheelchair. It was black, and its front stabilizer wheel wobbled.

 

“Oh come on Leonard.” Sheldon walked closer inspecting the chair. “ Surely you could have picked a better chair. This wheel appears to oscillate at a drastic angle laterally indifferent from forward propulsion . You might as well have got a Mario Kart gokart after it’s hit a banana peel.”

 

Leonard turned annoyed at Sheldon and adjusted him glass.

 

“It was either this or the one which brake kept getting stuck. The good wheelchair was taken by the family in room 304. What did you want me to do?”

 

“I wanted you to be faster and get that wheelchair, but I guess this will have to suffice.” 

 

_ Oof. Sheldon’s more obnoxious in person that I imagined. _

 

“Here Howard.” Leonard dropped a bag on the bed. “ I’m a quarter of a inch taller but these clothes should fit. There’s no skinny jeans though. Just regular pants and a T-shirt.”

 

“That’s fine. Honestly I’ve been thinking about fazing them out. The paramedics had to use safety scissors to get the pair I was wearing off of me due to impact swell.”

 

“Really?” Sheldon leaned back. “Interesting.”

 

“What’s interesting Sheldon?” Leonard asked turning, one hand pushing the wheelchair into the corner of the room and the other helping me stand up. 

 

“Thanks” I murmured. “My bags on the nightstand. That and the separate folder of paperwork are all I’m taking by the way.”

 

“No problem. The pants might be kinda loose but since we had no idea of how bad your swelling and difficulty walking would be they’ll have to do.”

 

“It’s interesting that this was the catalyst for Howard has decided to alter his wardrobe, and not say the extremely tight crotch killing any sperm motility.”

 

“Sheldon!” Leonard turned back into the room after passing me a bag of clothes.”We don’t say that sort of thing.”

——————————————————————-

I stepped into the small side bathroom and started poking through the bag Leonard handed me. A pair of khaki slacks, a bit too long. Two pairs of socks, a blue button up shirt, and a comb in its packaging. I looked at it. When was the last time I’d showered?

 

Wetting the comb I ran it through the mop that could be considered my hair. With some difficulty using the brace bars and leaning against the sink I got un-dressed and the first good look at what this body looked like.

 

My first thought were short, and not as hairy as anticipated . Large bruises covered my ribs and shoulder joints, skinny limbs, no real visible muscle mass. Of course a circumcised penis. Average. Nothing to write home about, but thicker than expected.

 

_ With all Howard’s bragged about the Jewish people what else did I expect. _

 

Grabbing onto the sink again I dressed.  _ Not bad. _ Looking in the mirror.  _ Now I actually look like a beetle instead of a highlighter from the 70’s. _

 

Time to get out of the hospital.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Ever have a lucid dream and halfway through realizing that its reality? That's how I ended up staring into a mirror with a different face showing in the reflection. On a hospital bed in California told i've been in a coma.

Let me backup for a moment.

The last thing I remember being awake about was falling. Maybe not falling persay, but the image and reflection of sun shining on water growing ever closer and closer. Seeing the horizon fall closer and closer, wind whipping limbs like a marionette and the roaring of dragons. Pain. Adrenaline building as the concrete hard surface zoomed closer. A glint of light.

The first thing I remember dreaming is hitting and the water, and going through. Hitting the water and all the pain vanishing. Falling through the Shimmer of light on the surface as easily as Sirius Black in the department of mysteries veil. Shot through a rapid tunel, streaks of light unlike snow going 70 miles a hour on a highway making up the walls. Rapid turns and twists jostling my limbs. The motes of light making up the tunnel sparkling and flashing. Pure information being transfer ref to my mind.

Memories.

Memories that aren't mine.

A young boy being raised playing with a model rocket.

Practicing magic tricks. Smelling lacktas being cooked. A home, slowly becoming more and more hostile. Alcohol introduced and being snuck in corners. Fights. Yelling. Building small robots in a room away from the anger and noise. A sunlit shadow of a man going out the front door one day. The man never came back.

Waiting at the door for days, weeks. Watching mom get steadily more depressed and bigger as time went on. Overbearing behaviour. Mathematics. The sudden realization that some of the shapers outside of the information walls were star constellations.

Pain. Feeling my mind stretch in more ways than I could mathematically quantify, and the next second being able to intuitively understand. Watching hypercubes and multidimensional shapes oscillating through dimensions. Visualizing Gravity. The sudden lurching knowledge that whatever was happening was permanent and here to stay. Imagine holding a photo of a I Spy book and simultaneously be aware of everything on the page.

As if holding a dvd could let you experience the movie in totality. And then getting thousands of these frames and play them cinema style with eight other set ups playing simultaneously and then you'd began to get a idea of the idea of what the experience felt.

Looking down to see my hands, instead seeing shapes of light with fractals. Zooming in on the fractals again and again falling through this tunnel like Stephen Strange.

I imagine this is would taking NZT and Acid at the same time would do to you. Except of course NZT is fictional.

Don't know how long I stayed in that tunnel. Seconds may as well have been months with how densely the information bombardment was happening. Until the end was in sight.

A solid wall of light coming at supersonic speeds closer. Light Years away and simultaneously close enough to reach out and with memories pouring into both my conscious and unconscious mind at this point I almost dismissed the last memory until a face stood out.

A pale white boy with a beetles haircut, face scrunched in panic. A frozen bolt of lightning heading for the engine block , frozen in midair. The light illuminating bright gaudy tight clothes.

And with a Boom time speed up, the car catching fire and exploding. Being thrown out the windshield, suspended in the air looking back- and seeing that the car was entirely aflame. Burning with the passenger engulfed.

With a sudden jerk I woke up. A name on my mind. Howard Wolowitz.

Suddenly I froze.

_What the hell._

_Don't freak out in a hospital bed._ Pure panic and adrenaline flooded my system, of was it Howards system at this point? Was I inhabiting his body or was this all a hallucination?

_I have to pretend to be Howard and not say anything abnormal._

Saying that im inhabiting the body of a fictional TV show character was an easy way to get placed into psychiatric lockdown.

Better to play the role enough to be released and then research everything once im out of the hospital.

I have to assume that everything is real until proven otherwise.

"Mr. Wolowitz, Hi my names Dr. Spencer. Were going to run a couple of test, figure out how you're doing" A blond middle aged woman announced.

"Im the leading doctor this shift tonight and I like to get to know the new patients. You haven't been under long, we've had to keep you under for 3 days while the brain swelling went down."

"Ah okay. Im very confused right now. Last thing I remember is being thrown out of the car. How's my mom? Are her injuries bad?"

Dr. Spencer walked forward a bit, pulled out a chair and sat down.

It's never good when the doctors sit down to tell you news.

"Im sorry to inform you this, but she died."

The rest of the hospital stay went back quickly. They kept me in isolation for 3 more days hooked up to all sorts of monitors and not letting guests visit just to make sure all the drugs were out of my system. I also requested no visitors. It gave me time to think and plan.

Howards memories were all there and available now. Whatever had happened during that psychedelic trip had worn off by now. It was probably a side effect of the medication. Or through whatever magic had shoved me into a fictional reality.

I wasn't some super genius. Nope, just a normal guy. Albeit with plenty of intuitive knowledge of robotics, fiction, and magic tricks.

Staying in a bed watching tv naturally lead to a lot of downtime for thinking. It was sometime before the series started which was a relief. The show from what I remember played hardball with dates, never mentioning things directly. _Probably in a effort not to make things dated._ As much as I can appreciate what the writers did, it did me no good.

For all intents and purposes I was Howard now. Laying in bed for days with nothing changing meant whatever happened was there to stay. I'd have to live with the fallout of previous Howard's behavior.

Howard- The guy who build a six breasted robot and was a constant stakerish creeper. Hopefully the damage control I'd have to play not be enormous.

Fortunately other sources were more precise.

According to Fox News It was August 30th 2005.

Fox News was going on about the war in the Middle East and how president Bush was making a effort to help with the victims of the Katrina hurricane. The south was hit particularly hard.

_Doesn't Sheldon's mom live in Texas?_ I'll have to ask about that later when im out.

This world was real. Complex. For all I know a carbon copy of the reality I came from. Maybe the tv show was just the dreams of reality bleeding over in dreams. The multiverse and all that. It got me thinking...

The real Howard was somewhat of a horny man child. He would not have coped well with the death of his Maa. I could take over his place in life without feeling bad, any different behaviour could be explained as having to grow up.

With how the accident was described, the real Howard may have very well died in the ICU. I could play my cards right and be safe, have a stable life while still do some astonishing things.

Being inserted into a sitcom by some renegade Random Omnipotent Being sure beats being thrown into the Game of Throne world, or Harry Potter where mindrape wasn't a uncommon occurance.

It's not like this was animorphs where if I acted differently id be accused of being under Yeerk influence. I could act different with no repercussions. Clarity flooded with relief sagged my tense shoulders. Everything would be fine. Somehow.

The social worker came and talked to me in between periods of sleep with paperwork.

Mrs. Wolowitz had left a will. The house and a life insurance policy was left to my name. Id have to figure out what to do later with the house, and as the new Howard. _Still, It feels bad to take over and renovate everything_.

I'd do it anyway. The memories weren't without emotional attachment. Getting rid of the blaring reminders of Debbie Wolowitz and making everything inside drastically different would be better for my mental health.

It's one thing to obsess over how cool it would be to live on a set, and another to be there 24/7. As much as I'd want to visit the set of the enterprise, living there would be terrifying.

That's what this house would become. A little fortress of solitude for introverted nights in. _Doesn't hurt that houses in California are expensive_.I thought. _Most of the inheritance would be wasted on a move to a new house_.

But now a bigger problem was on the horizon. Rajesh Koothrappali was coming to visit in a hour and I had no reason to avoid pushing the visits back anymore.

'knock knock'

"Howard?"

_Of course Raj would be here early. "_ Come in!" Might as well wing it. It's not like could plan everything out anyway.

Raj walked into the room. "How are you holding up buddy?" He said, finding the visitors chair and pulling it out.

I pursed my lips, "Oh you know, as well as I can given the circumstances. How are you doing? You look like crap."

Raj had bags under his eyes and his clothes looked rumpled. Like he'd slept in the waiting room. Which knowing the levels of bromance- totally possible.

"I'm doing alright. You should see Leonard. He's been dealing with Sheldon having his schedule broken."

Chuckling Raj added "if you thought he was crazy before it's nothing like he is now."

I looked at Raj and it must have gotten to him. "What? Is there something on my face? There was this kid in the waiting room who kept throwing stickers onto everythi-"

"Have you slept here?" I interrupted.

"Only when I can get away with it." Exhaling and stretching Raj mumbled. "The've kicked me out the last two days but the hospital isn't too far away from home so its not too bad of a drive." Raj stretched out leaning back on the hospital chair.

"Raj? Do me a favor."

"Anything Howard. You name it and ive got it."

"Go home. Get some sleep. They wont let me drive when im discharged so ill need someone to take me home."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, i've prepared some space in my apartment and its closer to the hospital. I don't want you going home alone"

Exhaling slowly I replied "You're probably right but I need to see the house and how it is without Ma. Ive been gone for a few days already so the fridge probably needs to be cleaned out and I need to figure out what to do."

"Okay. Are you sure you don't need any help?" Raj leaned forward, elbows on his knees. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes flickering over the myriad of half healed bruises covering my body. Care and concern radiating off him.

"I'm fine Raj. I can't drive for two weeks and I'll need some help once I'm home, but I'm good now."

"I'll get the guys together. Who knows, maybe Sheldon's asinine organizational habits can finally come in handy."

"Yeah, you might be right. We can just let him loose with some cardboard boxes and packaging tape. Want to bet he'd have everything hyper organized in a week?"

"A week?" Raj snorted standing up. " I'd give him a day, he's such a neurotic mess right now. He barely ate his Thai food yesterday."

"Picture that. Sheldon not eating his Monday Thai. The worlds coming to a end." I said grinning.

"Bad joke man. It has been like the end of our world. Things haven't been so good without you." Raj was at the door ready to leave but grinning nonetheless.

"Anyway you look so much worse that I do. Get some rest okay? You should be discharged tomorrow. I have to work but Leonard and Sheldon should be able to take you home."

It was true. While no bones were broken, my skull had a fracture extending through the frontal bone, a sore neck and a fractured left pinkie.

Everything hurt. Sleep would be good. The next couple days would be busy. With my thoughts somewhat at ease, I rolled over and pulled the blanket higher. I drifted off to sleep uncomfortably.

_First thing is getting a haircut and a outfit change. No one will take me seriously looking like a fluorescent Ringo Star._


	3. Chapter 3

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Space/Time Coordinates: _(August 31st 2005 [6:45 pm] - Pasadena California)_**

**Leonard's car driving to the wolowitz house. Leonard is Driving, Sheldon is in the passenger seat and Howard is in the middle rear.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"So do you have any superpowers?"

"Sheldon…not when I'm driving. Actually not at all!"

"No it's fine Leonard, let him talk. Superpowers?"

"You've fulfilled two of the three requirems for being a superhero. I draw particular distinctions with the Flash. You've been hit by lightning while doused in chemicals from the car. Standard non exotic chemical of course, but one has to make allowances given the situation."

"Okay, know what I'm curious too" Leonard turned and glanced at Sheldon. "What's the second?"

"Eyes on the road!"

The car swerved as Leonard tried to avoid a pothole. With a lurching thud the car hit it anyway.

Sheldon scowled at Leonard with a sour glance before turning back to Howard.

"While your mom has recently passed in the same accident that could be interpreted as your origin story being the second point, it hasn't been in a way to point blame for a antagonist thus giving you opposition for a training arc. The flash had reverse flash. Batman's parents were killed by rampant crime, thus leading him to pursue a life of revenge. Even the ninja turtles master Splinter sought revenge for the murdering of his owner."

"Okay Sheldon." I remarked. "You know superhero's aren't actually real right."

"Dear lord, I know that Howard." Sheldon exclaimed rolling his eyes. "Putting disbelief aside momentarily, one can earn to ponder however."

It's true that something weird was going on. Naturally I wouldn't vocalize it for fear of being not taken seriously, or worse- taken seriously and turned into a lab experiment. "Tell you what Sheldon- if I start developing super speed you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks Howard." Point made, Sheldon turned back in his car seat facing forward. "See Leonard, Howard doesn't think my questioning is asinine."

"I didn't say it was asinine, just that it's rude to ask about things and you're making a ass of yourself."

"Is that what you said? I'll admit I tuned you out at that point. Was that when you were arguing about the wheelchair with that woman?"

"No it was when we were trying to find a parking spot." Leonard sighed exasperatedly.

_Did they always fight this way?_

I should stop them.

"It's fine." I spoke up, leaning into the car seat and stretching out my legs." We're all stressed out from what's going on."

Sheldon and Leonard peered at me through the rearview mirror. "That's very mature of you. I've got to say, you're acting different than I would have expected."

"Things change Leonard."

_If only they knew how much._

"Let's just finish the drive silently."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Space/Time Coordinates: _(August 31st 2005 [7:15 pm] - Pasadena California)_**

**Leonard's parked car in the wolowitz house driveway.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The car stood stationery lights off. It was unbearably warm and more humid than usual. Leonard fiddled with his keys still in the ignition. Sheldon was sitting quietly, rubbing one hand on the door handle tugging it anxiously.

We sat in the backseat peering through the windshield at the two story house.

"Looks like the lights burnt out."

"Yeah. Looks that way."

"Aren't we going to get out-" Sheldon said getting out of the car- "and look at what needs to be done?"

Sheldon was the first out the car, purposefully striding towards the front door. Leonard was trugging behind him yelling "Wait up Sheldon! Howard has the keys."

The house was so different than I remembered it. Quiet. Where before any slight noise would cause yelling by a overbearing jewish mother the house now sat silent. Like a Halloween prop. Empty and quiet as the grave.

"Just a minute here guys it's-" Fishing around in my pocket, coins from my wallet jangling- "right here! There's the sucker."

"Well. Here goes."

Slowly the door opened and we all piled in one by one.

My first thoughts were the house smelled terrible. Years of living with a Mother who hoarded food probably meant a lot of things were spoiled.

"How are you feeling?" Leonard turned towards me with concern. Sheldon started pacing through the living room into the kitchen muttering under his breath of needed extra strength trash bags for picking up all the knick knacks. "We can leave right now if you want to."

"Its fine. A lot of this stuff is going to have to be thrown away or donated. Im keeping the house mind you, but I don't want this to be a shrine for Betty."

In a rare moment of compassion Sheldon spoke up. "That's a capital idea Howard. You know, when my father died my mother hoarded his stuff. Despite all the fighting that they had done until that point it broke her a little bit. The only way I was able to make myself useful was categorizing and itemising all of his stuff to sell. I was alone. You however are not alone. You have your friends to help you."

"All of us will help you" Leonard spoke up.

A lump caught itself in my throat. "Sheldon….. Leonard….I don't know what to say guys."

"Yoooou can say where your comics are so I can organize them all." Sheldon coyly remarked. "I want to organize those first before any moving people come and the special editions get ruined."

I snorted, partly from simultaneous disbelief and relief.

"They're upstairs." I mentioned walking over to the couch. "My robotics and some tools are there too." With a loud groan of springs abused past their limit I folded into the old living room seat. "I'll just sit here and plan out what I want done with the place."

Sheldon had already bounded up the stairs exclaiming- "Fantastic Four rare edition version, you are mine!" Leonard meandered over and with a waterbed like lurch, fell into the couch close to me. His eyes were tired with bags extending onto his cheeks. With one hand he took off his glasses, and the other rubbed at his face.

"Just so you know we're about to head back to the apartment in a bit." Leonard continued rubbing his eyes and face in a effort to stay awake. " Sheldon gets off if his schedules interrupted and I need to make sure he goes to bed soon."

"Lets just let him play with the comics and action figures upstairs while I make us a pot of coffee."

"Thanks."

I walked over to the kitchen door and flicked on the lights. There was still food in the sink, some dishes that needed to be washed which had residue. Opening the overstuffed pantry, adjusting my hand for a moment, and with a plasticy sound I grabbed a container of coffee and went over to get a fresh pot brewing.

Ten minutes later I walked out with two steaming mugs. Steam wafting from the cups filled the air with a smell of rich caramel. Wordlessly I passed a mug to Leonard and sat back down on the couch. Noises could be heard from upstairs as Sheldon was rooting through various comics and yelling delightedly upon finding a rare issue.

"So we're heading back to the apartment?"

Leonard nodded mutely, taking a sip of coffee and sighing in relief. "Yeah. You need to be watched for the next couple of days. Trauma signs and all that." He waved a hand around in the air. "Hope you're fine sleeping on the couch for a while, we don't really have a spare bedroom."

"No, that's fine. Honestly it gives me time to get a construction crew in here and renovate the whole place."

"Raj will be over when we go to work tomorrow morning to watch over you." Leonard gulped a few mouthfuls of coffee. "Any idea what you're going to do with the place?"

"I'm thinking to tear out the dining room and make most of the house have open floor planning. Then maybe renovating the stairs and just gutting the upstairs completely. I want it to look completely different once its done."

"Mmmmkay. Sounds like a plan. Lets go get Sheldon and head back home. We made a appointment months ago for the high IQ sperm bank tomorrow and it was a pain scheduling. We'll be home later tomorrow."

I sat there slightly stunned for a moment. Wasn't that the beginning of the pilot? Maybe some new clothes can make me presentable for meeting Penny.

Leonard was over by the railing at the base of the stairs. "Sheldon! We're leaving soon!"

"Can't we stay a bit longer?" Sheldon excitedly waved a comic in the air. "Look! I found action comics issue #7! Its the second time superman ever appears!"

"It will be here when we get back," Leonard raised his voice slightly, "now come on! Lets go!"

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Space/Time Coordinates: _(September 1st 2005 [5:30 am] - Pasadena California)_ Sheldon And Leonard's apartment.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

It was a uncomfortable night sleeping on the couch. I kept tossing and turning thinking about what to do with the house, and my first time seeing Penny. Most people move in on the first of the month right? The verdict was still out if this was the canon universe or not. But there was simply no way to know.

Halfway through the night I couldn't stand the restless energy anymore, and got on the laptop I brought with me from the Wolowitz household. Googling through the night brought me the name of a good remodeling company that id use some money on to make the house livable. A hair cuttery less than a mile away, and more proof that I was in another universe.

Imagine that- in this universes version of Friends, Joey and Phoebe get married. Always thought they would have made a cute couple.

Tiredness eventually sunk in, and around 4 in the morning after shutting down the laptop I went to bed.

Only to be woken up by Sheldon rustling in his cereal box.

"Morning Howard." Sheldon poured milk in his bowl and with a flourish, closed the cap putting the jug back in the fridge. "Could you be a dear and move? That's my spot."

WIth a groan I pushed myself up, swinging my legs off the couch blanket precariously half falling onto the floor. I knew how sheldon was with his spot. "Here you go."

A distant flush and the sound of hands being washed announced the arrival of Leonard.

"Raj should be here at seven. Think you'll be okay for a hour?"

"Definitely guys dont worry. Raj can help me out a lot today, im planning on making a few calls around for construction companies, a long term storage facility for moms stuff while the renovations happen, and getting a haircut later today."

"Sounds like a busy day. Make sure you don't push yourself alright?"

WIth lots of bustling in a well choreographed dance Sheldon and Leonard prepped themselves and were out the door.

I made a bowl of cereal and started leafing through a few history books Leonard had around. Halfway through picking apart the history of ancient Egypt Raj knocked on the door.

"Come In!"

Raj walked through the door coffee cup in hand looking tired. "Mind if I nap for a bit before we do stuff?"

" Yeah no problem Raj. Places won't really be open for another couple of hours." I lifted the history book showing Raj the cover. "And I've got something to read so there's that."

Placing the coffee cup on the counter, Raj turned around and flipped onto the couch. Fumbling with his phone he set a alarm for later. I watched him adjust and get comfortable before falling into a deep sleep.

Adjusting myself on the high chair in the kitchen I set a kettle to boil and returned back to reading.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**A couple of hours later**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After a through morning of phone calls Raj woke up eventually. Grunting and stretching he mumbled "it's noon already?" Stretching and overreaching backwards," you could have woken me at ten" Raj yawned.

"Ehhh, figures you needed the sleep." I said passing a mug of black tea over.

Raj accepted the mug with one hand rubbing his face with the other. "Too true, I'm going to be in the observatory crunching data for the next couple of days."

"I'll be ready to go in a bit. Let me just get myself together."

We got ourselves together and stepped out of the apartment. "Huh, looks like someone's moving in." A couple people in a brown uniform were walking into the room cursing about the lack of a elevator.

"I just hope it's not another transvestite." Raj shivered. "Nothing against the previous one, but that skin condition." Grimacing, "like, use some moisturizer."

"Mmm… got a point there."I mentioned nodding. "Let's get out of here before the stairwell becomes crammed with movers."

We barely squeezed our way out. A U-haul truck was parked outside the building.

"Looks like it should be here all day."

" Hopefully they'll be done when we come back-" I checked the time on my phone-" so what kind of haircut do you think I should get?"

Bantering about different hairstyles we got into Raj's car and headed out

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Space/Time Coordinates: _(September 1st 2005 [5:00pm] - Pasadena California)_ Sheldon And Leonard's apartment building. Howard and Raj are walking upstairs.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Ugh that was a busy day" I mentioned to Raj trekking upstairs decked out in a new outfit. Gone we're the skinny jeans and low fit V-neck shirts of the Howard past. I was wearing a new pair of sneakers, green cargo pants and a loose but not overtly so black T-shirt with no turtleneck dickie. We were carrying a few Walmart bags with clothes that had my new outfits.

"I know but look at you now!" Excitedly Raj remarked. "That haircut looks great on you. It really brings out your eyes."

"Thanks Raj. The breeze on my neck feels different but I love the look." My hair was shorter in the back, and swooped in the front with a neat but intentionally ruffled part. It was probably the first time my forehead had seen sunlight in years. "Plus look at it! Should be low maintenance."

"For sure dude, for sure."

We walked a bit further up the stairs in silence. Just the regular comfortable thud of feet. Rounding the corner with one floor left to go noises started to come into focus. The shifting of a cardboard box, the peel of tape being ripped off, and china shifted.

"Must be the new neighbor." Raj shifted a Walmart bag from one hand to the other. "I hope he's not a smoker."

"—-where are the shower things, where are they-" A feminine voice muttered while the shifting sounds grew louder-"I swear they're here somewhere."

Raj glances at me worriedly. A panicked expression was on his face with pursed lips.

"Don't worry, I'll do the talking buddy." Reassuringly I spoke. "We'll figure out how to get you to speak to women someday."

Stepping on the final stair we turned around the corner. Raj darted towards the apartment door but I grabbed his arm before he got far.

"Come on, let's go introduce ourselves." I said hissing under my breath. "We're over here a lot and maybe you can view this as desensitization therapy."

"I don't want to," Raj whispered in my ear, "besides can't we do this later. Like after Sheldon and Leonard have made introductions?"

At that moment a young blond woman looked up and saw us. She was wearing a tank top and a pair of low cut booty shorts. "Oh, Hi!"

Changing focus from looking at Raj I turned to Penny. "Hi." Happily I spoke up. "This is Rajesh Koothrappali, he goes by Raj and has selective mutism."

"Hey Raj," she said warmly, "you can call me Penny."

Raj just alternating looked at me and Penny in mild horror.

I looked at him with amusement. Turning to Penny; "Hehas a problem talking to attractive women. But he can nod or shake his head, so you can play 20 questions to communicate."

"Awww." Her eyebrows scrunched up. "Like at at, at all?"

Turning to Raj I let go of his shoulder with a reassuring pat. "Come on you got this buddy."

Raj frighteningly looked at the floor. Then the wall scone by the elevator, finally with great difficulty looking at Penny's face. Hesitantly he noodded quickly before looking back at the floor.

"Good job!" I leaned my shoulder into him giving it a solid bump. Raj smiles shyly and lifted one foot to rub it against his leg.

"By the way." Turning back to Penny. " I don't believe I've introduced myself." Shifting the clothes bag to my left hand, I stuck the right out for a handshake.

"Wolowitz. Howard Wolowitz. Pleased to make your acquaintance."


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**_September 2nd [4:30 pm]  - Pasadena California_ **

**Leonard’s car. Sheldon and Howard are in the backseat tinkering with something.**

* * *

  
  


“Soooo…. anyone want to remind me why we’re doing this again?”

 

“It’s because Leonard thinks with his penis.”

 

“Sheldon!” Leonard exclaimed. “That’s not it,” he said— adjusting himself in the seat and shifting uncomfortably, “It's because I think it’s a good idea to do something for our neighbors.”

 

“Mmmmhmmmm….”

 

We were all driving on the way to Penny’s ex’s place to get her stuff. This time however, we were doing it in style. All of us were dressed in black suits, white undershirts and loafers. 

 

“Pass me the soldering gun.”

 

“Here you are Howard.”

 

Sheldon was giddy. We were in the backseat putting finishing touches on what could best be described as 1920’s evil genius ray guns. Bulky, with a ray type element on the top, smooth refined handles taken from a nerf blaster in the back. An arcade style button was wired in place of a trigger. The LED button shined red with a full light.

 

“This needs to be green….. if I just make sure the radio contact coil is alighted just right,” I pushed the coil in place and with a click the light shone green, “aha! It works!”

 

“Gimme gimme gimme!” Sheldon said, dropping a spool of solder and wiggling his fingers reaching out.”

 

“Hold on Sheldon, I need to finish putting the handle together.”

 

Leonard spoke up, “I’m surprised you got it to work.” He looked back in the rearview mirror and eyed the gun, “what's the output by the way?”

 

“With the radio wave forming a beam of non ionized air and the linux chip running a alternating power fluctuating sine wave- should be a couple of feet max.” 

 

We were on the way to try to get Penny’s stuff back. Her ex was huge, and we were nerds. However, like good nerds, we came prepared.

 

In my hands I held one of two microwave emitter guns built just for this occasion. The idea just came to me last night when I learnt that no amount of talk would pursuance Leonard otherwise. 

 

The guns featured a microwave emitter protected by a radio broadcast antenna beam. When activated, a circular radio beam would ionize the air in a chanel ahead of the microwave port. Millisecond afterwards microwave radiation would flow on the channel hitting the target. A alternating current chip that constantly modulated the frequency of the microwave bursts would insure that it built up in a consistent power level.

 

The result? A device which caused pain by boiling the water under your skin in a broad setting, in a focused application- overloading the nervous system directly causing short term paralysis. Powered by a lithium ion laptop battery it had a maximum of 3 minutes of use. Not enough to be practical, but enough for our endeavor.

 

“Slow down Leonard,” Sheldon said looking out the window trying to spot wildlife, “I want to zap a pidgin.”

 

“No Sheldon,” Leonard said firmly, “ we’re not going to be shooting pigeons with a microwave beam.” He looked at the backseat at a excitable Sheldon. Just to be certain, Leonard locked the doors again and clicked the child lock on the windows.

 

“By the way Howard, this might be the finest thing you’ve ever made.” Sheldon spoke up admiring the futuristic weapon in his hands. “I almost take back what I’ve said about engineering.”

 

“Aww. Thanks Sheldon.”

 

“Don’t push it. I said almost.” Sheldon said. “While a interesting application of existing technology I won’t think anything you do is amazing unless you discover a new element or something of that magnitude.”

 

“I’d still take it.” Leonard spoke up. “It’s a better compliment than I’ve ever received.” Looking at me in the rearview mirror he shrugged. As if to say ‘what can you do about it’.

 

Giving a halfhearted silent shrug to Leonard I told sheldon—“Maybe I’ll take you up on that.”

 

With that said, I thought back over the sequence of events that lead to us dressed up as Men in Black, ready to rob—- I mean reacquire Penny’s things from her ex boyfriend.

 

Penny walked in yesterday and we had a nice late lunch talking about small stuff. She eventually revealed that her shower was broken and Leonard let her use his.

 

When she couldn’t get the hot water to work, Leonard got dragged back into the bathroom. And when a naked Penny asked him a favor, Leonard instantly accepted and was gung ho to run out the door immediately.

 

Luckily I did manage to convince Leonard otherwise. That it would be smarter to plan something out for the next day

 

We made a run to the house where I picked up plenty of tools and equipment. Ripping apart the broken microwave in the garage and using spare wiring and some props I designed and built the entire project in a few hours.

 

When Leonard and Sheldon went to bed I started working on a second project. A paralysis gun might get us through the door, but we needed something else to avoid getting in trouble or pantsed.

 

As a group, we nerds were rather fond of not having our pants stolen.

 

That’s why in the briefcase on the floor I had a surprise that spent most of the night making. A Men in Black memory wipe device.

 

Well, I say memory wipe device when in reality I mean a heavily modified flash grenade. A forward facing flashing strobe light, with a high energy directional electromagnetic wave generator.

 

Theoretically the combined flash with directional magnetic field would directly overstimulate the vision centers of the brain. Overloading it, causing unconsciousness and short term memory loss.

 

One shot only. 

 

The capacitors were charged fully and the em pulse would be strong enough to fry the wiring on the inside. 

 

Hopefully it wouldn’t be needed.

 

“My fingers feel weird.” Leonard said.

 

“Wait you’re not allergic to latex too?” I said.

 

“No I’m not,” Leonard said, “it’s the adhesive.  Its irritating me.”

 

“Yeah my fingers feel weird too.” I said, sharing my feelings so Leonard wouldn’t feel excluded. “But you gotta admit, this is pretty cool.”

 

To complete the Men in Black facade we’d dipped our fingers in liquid latex to obscure fingerprints. Afterwards Sheldon applies a thin veneer of heavy duty cosplay vetted makeup matching our respective skin tones.

 

Gripping things without traction felt rather strange.

 

“Okay so we should decide code names.” 

 

“I vote Star Trek!” Sheldon yelled still waving his ray gun and making sound effects with his mouth.

 

“Sheldon were not—“

 

“Actually that’s not a bad idea,” I interrupted, “In fact I might have a few that fit this situation perfectly.”

 

Leonard looked apprehensive and confused in the rearview mirror. “Why do we need code names again.”

 

“We’re doing something of dubious legality.” I said. “We should at least make sure it doesn’t come back to haunt us.”

 

“I call Spock!” Sheldon excitedly shouted. Suddenly patting his chest as if a mock communication badge was attached he said “enterprise- 3 to energize.”

 

Leonard chucked, much more relaxed than a moment ago.

 

“Okay,” still chuckling, “what’s my code name going to be.”

 

“Mmmm…..” I mock pondered. “Since we're doing this only because a pretty girl convinced you…… I’d have to say you’re Will Riker.”

 

Sheldon stopped wiggling in his car seat having a mock pretend fight with the Borg for a second. Looking at me he said “Will Riker?” He turned to look at Leonard’s reflection and then back at me. “That’s perfect Howard, I couldn’t have thought up a better character myself.”

 

“Why thank you Mr. Android.” I said.

 

Sheldon started looking around momentarily. Taking a moment to process he thought about the code name. Mr. Android, obviously referring to Data Soong. 

 

“While I would have preferred  Spock, I accept that as a temporary codename it is deemed acceptable.” Sheldon said. “As long as I get to blast him with my ray gun first.” He continued nodding.

 

“Alright Sheldon.” I said. “You’ve got first volley. But remember to aim at the extremities. I don’t know what direct torso shots will do.”

 

“Mr. Android,” Sheldon said pointing at himself, “Will Riker,” he continued pointing at Leonard, “what’s your codename going to be?” He finished up turning around.

 

“Mmm…. Either Geordi Laforge or Weasley. Geordi because I built these guns, or Weasley because I’m the youngest here.”

 

“Well, we know Wil Wheaton in real life so you’ll have to be Geordi.” Sheldon said before Leonard could interject with anything.

 

“And just in time too.” Leonard said. “We’re here.”

  
  
  



End file.
